I don’t know how to label this place I find myself in.
I don’t know how to label it because, really, I don’t know what it is myself.
It’s a place that can either come in intense bursts, debilitating bursts, or in a gentler presence shifting me in directions I don’t want to go in.
A few months ago, I realised I couldn’t – wouldn’t – allow myself to go back to those dark places. Would no longer run rather than face the deeper story that was being written beneath the surface. Words etched across my heart but never spoken out loud.
So I turned to therapy. I’m not afraid to say that. Not anymore.
In fact… I’m proud to say it. Proud that after 25 years I have finally taken a step into the unknown in the most frightening way possible.
I thought jumping out of planes was frightening. Taking a backpack with no end destination in sight. Leaving my life behind.
Turns out this journey is the scariest of all.
Because this journey has meant opening a door I fought my whole life to keep shut. And the demons that have crept out have changed everything.
They’ve changed because… now I can’t help but notice when my behaviour, when my mind, takes a swift and plunging turn. The areas I may not have recognised before are now forced under the spotlight.
And they’re areas I no longer want to give space to. My space. Because that space is precious. It’s the space I want to fill with love, learning and growth… not panic and anger.
It’s a space I want to burn bright with trust and an openhearted spirit.
I don’t want it to be a space I retreat to when the walls are closing in and every part of my world is fighting against the need to escape.
But the thing is, recognising those traits and escape routes is one thing. Eradicating them is another.
And right now? That feels like an impossible task.
That mountain I now have to climb? It’s teetering oh so high. It’s covered in slippery slopes and jagged edges.
The idea that, one day, I’ll be able to shed this outer skin and give way to a calmer, content way of being free from the extreme up and downs feels so far away.
You know. You can see it but you can’t quite touch it.
I can feel myself changing already. When I compare where I am now to a year ago I can already see those beautiful steps I have taken. I’ve walked through the thorn-filled paths of my mind and slowly let myself sink into the petals.
I’m letting go. I’m letting myself be myself and gradually loosening the grip on that looming shadow.
Yet the loosened grip is a grip all the same. It’s still there, in the peripheral.
Right now I’m in-between.
In-between then and now.
In-between here and there.
The life I want to embody whole-heartedly is at my fingertips. And that can only be a good thing.