I’ve felt a shift beneath my feet in the past two months: a clarity, a sense of purpose that had snuck out of my life somehow.
It happened gradually and then all at once. The loosening grip on reality, the sudden slip into shadier territory… before I knew it the walls were closing in on a distorted world, uncertainty and fear palpitating with every step.
For those who follow this blog, you will know I have suffered from anxiety for most of my life. Panic attacks, insomnia and crippling melancholy are just three of the ways it plays its debilitating hand time and time again. The lack of self worth and an unbelievable exhaustion would leave me hidden in the confines of my bed as I attempted to hide from the shadows creeping in.
And whether it was being totally dragged out of my comfort zone, or something else entirely, the latter half of 2015 saw me in my worst place yet. It terrified me. The total loss of control left me in a state where I didn’t even recognise my own reflection.
I was not myself.
I don’t know who I was.
But… perhaps we need to confront the darker times for the good to feel all the more brighter?
Because here’s the thing. I made a choice in those cloudy days. I made a choice to show up to my life, once again.
All too often we can become tranquillised by the monotony of daily life. The aches and pains, the bruises of our past, the unanswered questions… we numb them out and simply settle in the comfort of our little box. The ease it provides. We sit there and let the world pass us by in a concoction of 9 to 5 autopilot, evenings spent in work recovery and hours spent absorbed by our phone screen.
When I made the choice to close up my copywriting and marketing business before departing for my travels, it wasn’t for lack of care for the work. And to the outsider, I had everything I’d ever wanted. I was working for wonderful clients, earning a strong income and I had the flexibility to work wherever and whenever I wanted.
Yet something didn’t fit. There were still questions burning inside of my chest, desperately trying to fight their way out.
Was I living the life I truly wanted? Was I pursuing happiness in its most honest form?
Was I just passing through every day?
It was an easy life, sure. I’m a good copywriter and I’m pretty well equipped in my knowledge of digital marketing. I can network and forge new business partnerships with little fuss and my mind works in a way that regularly brings about new and creative ideas.
But an easy life isn’t necessarily a good life. Because I wasn’t showing up. I wasn’t living purposely towards my inner goals and needs.
And the instant I recognised that was the moment the maze ahead transformed into the clearest of paths. That I finally knew where I needed to take myself be in reach with that total sense of wellbeing.
I listened to my own truths. And those truths told me I needed to fully commit to the year ahead. A year of travel and self discovery. A year of learning and training for a new endeavour. A year of finding my greatest sense of self.
I now find myself at the beginning of an entirely different existence: something unlike anything I have ever imagined for myself.
It’s time to embody it and take the final leap.
It’s time to make myself present in each and every day.