I think that, actually, stability scares me a little.
That feeling of constant, where the path ahead rolls out in steady stream of comfort, no finishing line on the horizon.
I am always questioning “What next?”, desperately searching for another intoxicating adventure.
Sure, there are times when that feeling in the pit of my stomach rouses its curious little head. The times when I see the friends with growing families, or the people I love absolutely throwing the career ladder out of the park. The house renovations with partners, the wedding proposals, the promotions.
Because all of those things? They are exciting. They are all beautiful… each in their own unique way.
I’m just not there.
And I am totally consumed by a thrill of my own.
As much as stability scares me, this thrill scares me, in some ways, even more. It scares me that the longing for it, the craving for my fix, will just keep growing. That I will struggle to get off the ride: a ride of unexpectedness, self discovery and shear wonder.
The thrill? Letting my foot touch down on the ground of a new, unseen place. Becoming a part of it and its culture. Learning, living, becoming. Seeing the very essence of myself develop in the face of exquisite beauty. Being out of my comfort zone, and it hurting, terrifying and delighting me all at the same time.
And in that I feel like I begin to answer the question that has been crashing through my mind day to day for the past month: why on earth am I leaving Florence?
Here it is. Florence has made me. It has defined me in a way that I will never be able to thank it for enough. It has forced me to question so many things and truly begin to understand who I am.
But now? Now the (Italian version of) stability starts to unfold. I have reached a point where a new sense of comfort zone starts to materialise at my feet. I am immersed in Florence and all her splendour. A part of myself will always be immersed in her.
Yet… there’s a new story ready to be written. A new path to pave. As much as my heart yearns to never leave this bubble, it is also pulling me with full force to take my next step into the unknown. As terrified as I am to travel 10,621 miles away from home, dear god am I excited.
Excited to dig my toes into the golden ripples of sand in the local beach. To see the sunset across the crystal blue waves. To sample new food (whilst forcing myself to separate myself from the incomparable sensations of Italian cuisine). To meet new people. To take time off to really understand what I want, and not what I have always believed people want of me. To be part of a freshly vibrant community. Yoga, surfing, regaining my fitness. The endless sights, so very different to the rich history of Florence, but nonetheless spellbinding.
To work and save so that I can travel the country, visit Bali, spend time on an expedition in Fiji.
Sunny days, crisp nights.
I’m under no qualms that it’s going to be easy.
But I’m learning to think that, maybe, that’s part of the thrill? The challenge.
Because the challenge is where you learn. The challenge is where you become.
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”