Being over here, I can’t help but feel like a total fool for not being 100% happy all the time. Like all I’m doing is sticking a massive middle finger up to those in far worse situations. You know, how is it I can feel low when I am surrounded by so much beauty and culture? When I’m actually living my dream?
Even writing this, I feel like an absolute ass-hole. Poor little white girl in Italy; yep, I know exactly how it sounds.
I ring my family to tell them how I’m feeling, and the first thing they say is, “Oh, so are you not enjoying Florence then?”
And it makes me want to scream. Full on, clencing my fists scream.
Because that’s not it. That’s not it at all. What people don’t realise is you can be in the most incredible situation in the world, and those bastard emotions are still going to rear their ugly little head now and again. You’re still going to feel the same heartbreak when something goes terribly wrong, or the same pang when your past keeps coming back to haunt you. You’re still going to feel totally useless when s**t hits the fan back home and there is nothing you can do to clean up the mess. You’re still going to feel it. You’re going to feel it all.
This has been a particularly rough time for me. And I can feel myself dipping into this pit which I’m struggling to climb out of. The worst part? I feel so pathetic for it all.
I mean, in the grand scheme of things, my problems are no worse than anyone else’s. In fact, people close to me go through worse on a daily basis.
And yet I can’t shake it. This notion that I am not doing enough. I am not doing enough on a personal level, I am not doing enough for my family… I am not doing enough to grow, to become a more accomplished person.
This pressure. It’s draining.
But I would feel that pressure wherever I was in the world. That doesn’t mean I’m not in the right place at precisely the right time.
I need to accept that it’s okay to not be okay all the time. Sometimes things are going to be tough. Sometimes my mental capacity cannot physically take all the worries weighing down on me.
It doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t mean I am not making the most out of this incredible life I am building.
It means I am human.
And I am taking steps to embrace that. One step at a time.
I am going to let myself feel it all. I am going to give myself the time to get back to the person I want to be.
In the meantime? I’m going to do more of what makes me happy. I’m going to decorate my study… brighten it up with flowers and drawings. I’m going to practice yoga even while my teacher is away. I’m going to write, write and write some more. I’m going to watch that extra episode of Suits, even if I should be studying. I’m going to do what I need to in order to bring that happy glow back.
I’m going to get back to being okay.