I don’t quit. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever quit anything in my whole life.
It might sound dramatic, but it’s true. To quit would make me feel like a total failure; like I had not only let down myself, but even worse, my loved ones. I would always pride myself on my ability to persevere, even through the toughest of times.
That’s why it hurt so much to finally give up my language lessons today.
Believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to learn the language. I do, more than anything. And I will. It burns within me, this desperate craving to become more connected with my new culture, my new world.
But these lessons, they’re draining me.
They’re bringing back my anxiety and just generally hanging over me like this ominous, always present threat. They overwhelm me.
Last night, I fully broke down. It wasn’t directly about the lessons, but it was about something I know wouldn’t have caused me pain had I not been so utterly exhausted.
So I had to make the decision; I had to draw a line underneath them and strike them off, once and for all.
Of course (me being me) I had to run the decision past all my loved ones first. You know, to make sure I wasn’t being a total t**t. And, unsurprisingly, they provided me with the words I needed to hear.
“There are enough people that try to cause you unhappiness, why add to that yourself?”
“You need to remember what made you want to make this move and go on this adventure in the first place. Rediscover your excitement and passion and shed the stress!”
“You are not a failure – I am proud of you for having the guts to take control of your happiness.”
And honestly? It feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoudlers. Knowing I can go to bed at a normal time, that I can go to the grocery store and buy MILK for god’s sake… that I can learn on my own terms, in my own time. It feels good, you know?
Im so quick to give people advice. So quick to tell people that they need to be kinder to themselves, that they need to take a break and just r-e-l-a-x. Do I ever take that advice? Of course I don’t.
I expect too much. I want too much. All at once. But I need to keep telling myself that I am here to get rid of that side of me. I am here to become more at peace with myself, and never push too hard.
So you know what? I’m proud. I’m proud for letting myself quit. I’m proud for listening to my mind and listening to my body and deciding, you know, enough is enough. This isn’t healthy. I am not happy.
I’m getting there. I’m becoming the person I want to be.