Much to the joy of all my work colleagues, The Lion King has finally arrived at the Wales Millennium Centre. You know what that means? I get to listen to them rehearsing erry gahd damn day and get to hear the real deal at every matinee performance.
IT’S THE GREATEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!
Clearly it’s one of the biggest perks of working in this industry. And whilst it fills me with more joy than a child at Christmas (or an Amber at a cheese festival) it’s safe to say that everyone around me hates it.
The day the show opened I listened to the soundtrack four times in a row whilst weeping at my desk with all the emotion. There aren’t enough words to describe quite how inappropriate that is.
And it’s all I can think about. Forget moving to Florence, I’M GONNA BE FROLICKING WITH THE DAMN ANTELOPE!
Anyone that knows me will know how unhealthy my obsession with this film (cough, all things Disney, cough) is. It just does something to me. I know every single line word for word and could perform the soundtrack in my sleep. WHAT YA GONNA DO?
So, because I know y’all are dying to know, I thought I would list the top 30 reasons why this film is just the best thing that was ever created in the world ever. ENJOY MY FELLOW MONKEYS.
1. NAAAANTS EENVWEN YAAAAA MABEGEEEEECHIBAVA ENYAAHHO VWENYAMAAAAAAA – I dare you to tell me this isn’t the greatest opening line to a film ever. So much emosh, so much passion.
2. When the baby giraffe blinks and steps into the sun as it goes “and blinking step into the sun” it’s just the cutest most perfect little thing ever and it makes me want to be a giraffe.
3. When Mufasa gives Rafiki his wise smile at the top of Pride Rock and they hug like old friends it makes me weep with joy. #datfriendship.
4. Rafiki breaking his big ol’ fruit and smearing it on Simba’s head made me rub fruit juice over my face for most of my youth (lol jk still do it now).
5. When Rafiki lifts Simba on “It’s the Circle of Life” and Simba’s little shoulders are pushed together and he looks at the pride land with big coy eyes I just die inside. PS I bet every single one of you has done that with your cat at some point.
6. Mufasa is the epitome of a wise old gentleman. The life lessons he gives are just second to none… “Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.” and “You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.” and let’s not forget “When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life.” MUFASA COME TEACH ME HOW TO BE A RESPECTABLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY!
7. I love it when Sarabi is giving Simba his little bath and he gets all grumpy about it. I love it so much I used to do it to my cuddly Simba all the time and consequently would have synthetic hair balls 24-7.
8. Nala is so. damn. sassy. She constantly throws Simba shade and it’s absolutely fabulous.
9. Because young love is adorable and it’s so special seeing it unfold between my two fave lions ever SiMbA 4 NaLa IdAt.
10. I just can’t wait to be king. Nuff said.
11. Because when Nala and Simba are play fighting and she goes “Pinned ya”……… “Pinned ya AGAAAAYN” it makes my stomach self combust but in the best way ever.
12. When Mufasa gives his son a fatherly scolding for taking Nala to the elephant graveyard (such a facking rebel) and then they end up just running around and cwtching it makes me think of my Pops and how much I want to go and give him a cuddle.
13. Even though the hyenas are absolute bastards I can’t help but love them. Especially Ed. Oh Ed. So much time for Ed.
14. “Great idea, who needs a king? NO KING NO KING LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” – class
15. I can’t help but think Scar would be such a laugh on a night out. I mean, when he flicks his hair back like the most fabulous drag queen ever as he goes “be prepared for senSATional neeeeews” I just think, mate you’re sassy as f**k.
16. When the hyenas are marching like nazis it makes me feel pretty uncomfortable but mainly because I love it and I don’t know what that makes me.
* SKIP PAST THE WHOLE NEXT SCENE. NO ONE NEEDS TO REMEMBER THAT SCENE EVER HAPPENED *
17. Moving swiftly on to the introduction of Timone and Pumba, aka, best comedy due ever (soz Ant and Dec).
18. I love it when Pumba is going to say “farted” and Timone stops him cos it’s rude and stuff hehe.
19. How tasty did dem bugs always look though? To this day I want to eat a cockroach just to see if it really does taste like chicken. SLIMY YET SATISFYING HEY?!
20. Teenage Simba. LMAO ROFL LOL WAAAAAAAAAH.
21. Because adult Simba is damn fine. Like hell yeah. I so would. When he saunters off shaking his little booty. Legit my first crush ever.
22. They prove that friendship can come in any shape or form. Who would have thought a warthog, meerkat and lion would be the best of friends?! WALT, THAT’S WHO!
23. When Simba and Nala recognise each other it is easily the most beautiful moment I have ever witnessed in my whole life and I hope one day someone’s face lights up like that when they see me ❤
24. Because the sexual tension between Simba and Nala as they tumble down that hill during “Can you feel the love tonight” is just something else and makes me sad for how vanilla my life is.
25. When Simba sees his Papa up in the sky and he tells him that he is the one true King I honestly stop breathing for a good three minutes.
26. That moment the music gets all dramatic again as Simba decides he is going to return to Pride Rock to challenge Scar and take his rightful place as King. #PASSIONDRAMAEXCITEMENTTENSION
27. The fact that Nala, Zazu, Timone, Pumba and Rafiki all stand by his side and unite in their quest to get rid of that hideous scarface sly crusthead is so brave. I would totes be left to my own devices if I tried to do the same thing, fact.
28. THAT BATTLE! Particularly the slow motion fight between Scar and Simba as they bitch slap the f**k out of each other. And then BOOM, kick ya into the hyenas you muf**ka!
29. Can’t even write this bit without crying. That moment the rain washes all the fire away and “King of Pride Rock” starts playing. Simba walking nervously past his Mumma and Nala, giving them little hugs and kisses. Rafiki takes him by the shoulders and utters the most powerful words in a film ever… “It is time.” AND THEN THE MAGIC HAPPENS! That walk up Pride Rock in the rain with the best piece of music ever created makes me cry every single time. WITHOUT FAIL. I find this even more emosh then Mufasa dying (soz MDawg).
30. Because it has the happiest ever ending with a gorgeous new bubba being born and introduced to the world just in time for a naughty, naughty sequel. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.