Praise the lord, it’s Magic Monday. Why is that, you might ask? Isn’t it a scientific fact that Mondays are the worst day of the week? DID GARFIELD TEACH YOU NOTHING?!
Well, my friends, Mondays are once again up there with one of the best days of the week
cough cough because Made In Chelsea is back in my life. I’m not ashamed to admit that I bloody love that show. And what I love even more is the minute by minute reporting of the show on the (ex) Cardiff ladies whatsapp group.
The general gist of the reporting crosses between OMG I WANT TO BE LUCY SO MUCH to WTF WHY WOULD YOU EVER GO NEAR SPENNY and 9 times out of 10 WHY WON’T PROUDLOCK HAVE MY BABIES?!
All really important, hard hitting stuff obvs.
But it was only last week (the glorious moment the show came back into my life) that I realised just how much I live anything but the Chelsea lifestyle. Sprawled like a fat sausage in bed surrounded by shame (aka empty biscuit and chocolate wrappers and tell tale crumbs) in my tan stinking pjamas and food splattered sheets, it suddenly dawned on me that I would forever be on this side of the screen.
As much as I like to tell myself that one day I will have 24-7 waxed legs, hair that bounces in all the right places and a constant stream of lovers just waiting to take me out in their Bentley, the reality is I will never be that gal.
And I could talk for hours and hours about the many reasons I am secretly a man in women’s clothing, but for the sake of this ‘ere blog I’ve whittled it down to the top 15 reasons. Please, no judging.
1. I will never understand Bloody Marys, and ’til the day I die it will never be my drink of choice. Pass me a pint of cider bro.
2. I resent wearing heels at night, so screw wearing them during the day. No thank you sir, I’ll stick with my old suspiciously stained Primark pumps.
3. I will never, ever, wake up looking like a majestic goddess. The walking dead would be a more apt description for my 7am appearance.
4. My hairstyle of choice is a topknot so heavy it sets my whole body off-balance. Soz world.
5. I would much rather a night spent in bed with a book, chocolates and my army of teddies than rooftop drinks with da posse. #BORINGBITCH4LYF
6. Dates for me consist of an awkward drink and even more awkward chatter, not a romantic trip on a rowing boat followed by a luxurious picnic and declarations of sweet, sweet love.
7. In fact, dates in general are the most awkward situation known to man. How do people have enough time for them?! Let’s just jump to the good stuff.
8. The only thing on my body I look after is my eyebrows, and even they look like yeti brows right now.
9. I don’t own a single piece of classy negligee. Nope, I wear a chocolate covered Bambi jumper to bed.
10. Whilst our screen pals embrace awkward situations (aka bumping into their ex on a daily basis and looking fabulous doing it) I am a massive awkward turtle who should be locked in a cage to avoid stumbling into these situations (and consequently acting like a total douche bag).
11. A night with the girls is less like cocktails in a Soho bar and more like carbs on carbs on carbs and Don’t Tell the Bride.
12. The only animal I will EVER carry around in my bag is of the stuffed variety.
13. I will never go to a club and casually drink my martini at the bar like a sophisticated human. What’s that?! Queen B is playing? BOW DOWN BITCHES!!!
14. My route home is far from a sassy walk down the Thames bumping into the city’s movers and shakers. Nah, more of a hurried run past drug dens and brothels with delightful propositions from tramps wielding their genitalia at me.
15. I am writing this sat in a Princess themed room wearing nothing but an over-sized racing t shirt, wistfully thinking about Oreos and how I can get some without moving a muscle.