So, I think I can safely say I am embracing the whole single lady thing. I mean, life is pretty peachy right now (albeit, full of drama… every other day there’s some ridiculous story to tell). I’m finally acting my age again, I have no ties, incredible opportunities are starting to crop up all over the place. And I mean, come on. I’m all about being an independent lady; who has time for guys these days?
Saying all that, it has been quite a learning curve for me. There’s been a few things that have been… difficult… to come to terms with. A few lifestyle changes have been required of me, let’s say.
And these lifestyle choices have kind of made me question my basic human skills. They’ve made me realise that these changes were a long time coming.
Therefore, being the kind person I am, I thought I would share with you my top five single lady lessons. May you go forth and do with them as you will. Become a better, less disgusting, more attractive human being.
1) It is not acceptable to spend every evening eating Pringles and watching Netflix
I know. I was shocked too. It turns out that when you’re single, festering on your bed surrounded by carbs and shame whilst watching Gossip Girl re-runs is not an acceptable way to behave. Apparently you’re supposed to go out and, wait for it, meet people?! I believe these things are called dates. Either way, MIND = BLOWN.
2) Having 30 + teddies on your bed doesn’t make you cute and adorable, it makes you crazy
Gone are the days where your craziness is overshadowed by love. Now your inner madness can’t hide. And in the cold, harsh light of day, a chronic obsession with Disney just ain’t attractive. I quickly found this out after admitting to a guy that I took it in turns to cuddle different teddies every night do that they never felt unloved or left out. I thought it was endearing, he thought it was terrifying.
3) Just because it’s Winter, doesn’t mean you can grow an extra layer of hair across your whole body just for warmth
This… this one hurt a lot. Turns out shaving is now a regular activity. Like, I can’t just wait until my hair’s so long it sprouts out of my tights like AstroTurf. I MISS LOOKING LIKE A YETI AND IT BEING TOTALLY OKAY
it was never okay.
4) It’s not funny to fart and burp on a daily basis
I had to start acting like a lady. And any of y’all who know me will know, I ain’t a lady. I used to get great joy from being as disgusting as possible, pushing my relationship to the absolute extremes. Thinking back, perhaps that’s the reason it crumbled. Note to self: this behaviour is never, ever acceptable (unless surrounded by your lovely, equally mingin, ladies).
5) You will become the biggest perv imaginable
Now this is the one I wasn’t banking on. Low and behold, newly single girls are absolute animals. Unfortunately for the world, my best friend and I became single around the same time. We now spend pretty much every moment of every day perving on anything in sight and just being the worst kinds of people. I mean, I am constantly on the prowl for new people to drool over. It’s disgusting and I need serious help. No one wants to see that kind of horndog-iness.
But thankfully, I am over the mountain. These lessons, they now stand ingrained into my inner consciousness. I present to you a well-rounded, mature, lady like Amber.
Well, that’s what I keep telling myself.