Yes. You read correctly. When I grow up, I want to be a drag queen.
Why, you might ask, does this not defy the laws of physics? Does one not require male genitalia to become a drag queen in the first place?
Okay, you may have spotted the fatal flaw, but despite all of this I am still adamant. Being a drag queen would be the best bloody job in the whole wide world.
I’ve always had a soft spot for drag queens. Ever since I was a tender, naive 16 year old drunk at my cousin’s 30th birthday (it was a party at a gay bar with a resident drag DJ – AMAZING) I’ve developed quite an obsession with all things drag.
But then I was introduced to Ru Paul’s Drag Race, aka, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I honestly stand by the fact that this programme has pushed me through my relationship break up. It’s utterly perfect in every way.
Little snapshot of the show for you all (I know you’re dying to know): it’s basically America’s Next Top Model but for drag queens. Hosted by the delicious Ru Paul (WHAT a babe), this show makes me green with envy. DEM LEGS. DAT ASS. DAMN DAT BONE STRUCTURE. These chicks have it DOWN.
I mean, COME ON. What is my life if I am wishing with every fiber of my being being to be a man dressed as a woman? Why are they so much sexier than me? Why are their make up skills so facking amazing?! WHY IS THEIR BOOTY SO GOD DAMN ROUND?!
And the worst part is I actually find myself attracted to these men / woman. What does that mean?! Do I need to have a word with myself?
Above all these gals are so, so sassy. Like Sassy Sistaz with a capital S. I am totally absorbing that “FUCK YO” attitude in my day to day life (not always in the most appropriate places – I am ridiculously bulshy at the moment). I spend my spare time perfecting the drag queen strut, lip sync to every single song on the radio (oh, another incredible point about the show… those in the bottom two have to lip sync… FOR THEIR LIFE!) and obsess over contouring and booty bouncing.
So, that’s my filthy little secret. I would actually go through the hideousness of having a penis JUST to strap it down and take to the drag queen runway.
And I love it. Because in the words of my homeboy Ru – “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you go’ love anybody else?”