Living in Wales you grow accustomed to ‘end of the world’ style weather. I’ve battled across many a flooded path, pushed my way through countless hurricanes (well, pretty much) and rocked myself to sleep during endless thunder storms. I get it. Mankind’s talent for f***ing up the environment coupled with a notoriously wet country means the glorious days of summer are but a distant memory.
Therefore I have decided the only way to really get around this is by hibernating until at least July. There really is no other choice. And here are my five STERLING reasons why:
1) Winter skin is offensive – As a naturally olive skinned person (in an acceptable climate), I find myself transformed into a less glamorous Snow White without the aid of the glorious sun. Patchy, pale and pathetic, it is a wonder that people can see me at all: I’m pretty much transparent. For the good of the world, it is only sensible that I hide my disgusting skin until the sun puts his hat back on (hip hip hip hooray!)
2) Everyone’s happier in summer – This is a fact. Seasonal affective disorder proves that the Winter Blues are a real thing. Opening the curtains to see another dank and disgusting day immediately puts me in the stormiest mood imaginable. Fast forward to a day of sunshine and frolics and I’m on cloud 9.
3) Winter blubber – I swear I need an extra layer of fat to keep me warm in these freezing cold days. Therefore I find it totally acceptable to eat twice my body weight and consequently grow twice in size. As that classic song goes, when the weather outside is frightful, a greasy fry up is so delightful (NP – poetic license alert).
4) Bad weather is a health hazard – The amount of times I have fallen head over hills on a bit of sneaky ice or been blown full on off the path by gale force winds if laughable (I lie, it brings me to tears). Let alone my make up being smudged across my whole face or my hair turning into a mane, BAD WEATHER IS A DEATH SENTENCE. I long for the gentle caress of the summer sun as I waltz my way around; not the evil whipping of the satanic wind.
5) Cider on a hot summer’s day – Say no more. Total bliss and worth sleeping 100 years for.
So please – can this unreliable, relentless, soul-destroying Welsh weather do one. I’m ready for some sunny joy.